


Sue

by EzzyAlpha



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Mary Sue, Other, Parody, author insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-11
Updated: 2012-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-14 01:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyAlpha/pseuds/EzzyAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a normal day.At least, that's what Nami thought.Then she met her and realized what that girl was doing to her family. Nami is forced to call upon someone as powerful as The Black Hole Sue. The Author Avatar!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sue

Nami casually walked into the kitchen, in her usual self-confident way. She was about to ask Sanji for a snack he would certainly make and sit down with Robin, who was practicably her best friend, despite the age difference. Which makes sense, since they spend almost the whole day together, almost every day.

Unfortunately, the moment she walked in, she was knocked down by a gigantic pair of boobs.

"What the!?"

"Oh,hiiii,I didn't see you there!"

In front of her was standing a tall, anorexic looking,but not anorexic girl, with long blond hair,who sparkled like the sun and the most pretty eyes that anyone has ever seen! And they were blue,then green,then blue,then green,then-Well,you get it. She also had the before mentioned gigantastic boobage, a pretty obvious ZZZ-cup.

Nami stood up, her extremely not pretty hair, which was like,ewwww,orange,all messed up.

"What,who the hell are you!"

"I'm Maria Alexandra Nikolas Pretty Rogers Rainbow Looks-Cuter-Than-Puppies-Or-Kitties Arawawa Kuroneko Neko Portgas Neko D. Ultimately-Prettier-Than-Everyone-chan!"

"...Wait,what?!"

"And I also have a bounty bigger than anyone else has ever had, I'm an ex-marine driven to piracy because someone said I was dumb! Can you believe that?"

Nami raised an eyebrow,slowly.

"Yes."

"No way,I'm like smarter than anyone else, I can read the poneglyphs! And I'm also a great fighter,and I have,like, 4 different devil fruit powers! Including fire,because I'm ace's daughter from the future!"

"...I'm sorry, how?"

"Also, I've had a extremely tragic past! I was abandoned by my foster parents,and then there was a Buster Call and my island got destroyed but I escaped because I have a devil fruit that makes me fly! Then I was raped! Three times!"

"...Why are you so cheerful telling me this?"

"But it doesn't matter anymore! Because everyone on the crew is in love with me! Except you,because you suck, and Usopp. I killed him because he suck-err,because he was evil!"

"Usopp's dead?! What,b-but..."

Luffy and Zoro appeared and each grabbed one of her arms.

"Please, Maria,I love you as much as meat! Screw One Piece, my only dream is to marry you!"

"Maria, I don't care about Mihawk anymore, let's get married!"

Nami gawked at them for a while before turning around and looking at the rest of the crew.

"Guys,what's going on?"

Franky and Brooked shrugged. They didn't' know,because they're old,ew.

Chopper smiled widely.

"Maria's the greatest girl ever and I absolutely love her! Isn't that great."

"No,Chopper,that's awful! Look at her, she's just a dumb bimbo!"

Chopper quickly turned to,uh, that big form,that looks like a gorilla. What was it called? Oh,screw it, Big Mode. He advanced threateningly towards her.

"Nobody insults Maria and gets away with it!"

"Chopper,what the hell,we're nakama!"

"Noooobooody!"

"Robin, you're a rational person, do something!"

"No."

She looked at her, a shocked look on her face.

"B-but..."

"I love Maria, she is my best friend forever,and ever,and ever, even though I just met her! Oh yeah, she's that great and you suck!"

Tears began to slid down the navigator's face.

"Robin...Why..."

She shook her head.

"No,I have to focus and discover a way to end this...Sanji! Sanji-kun would never leave me! Wait,where is he?"

Maria threw her beautiful, long, sparkly hair over her beautiful shoulder and smiled a beautiful smile.

"He's right there."

"Oh. Wait,how come I hadn't seen him. Ugh,never mind. Sanji, you have to help me figure out what's wrong!"

He stood up.

"Nami ,there's something I must tell you. I have always hated you. Now,I must kill you, because Maria-san demands it!"

"She's evil too."

Nami gawked at both of them,and back at the rest of the crew. She pointed at Franky, tears falling down her face again.

"You. You don't just ignore what's going on. You're supposed to be like the father of our family! You should be protecting me from that crazy idiot with the giga-boobs! You should be calling me Sis or Girlie and then get all emotional after everything's back to normal."

He shrugged again and she pointed at Brooke.

"You should fight gracefully and then play a song at the party! And you'd make a ton of stupid jokes, you'd ask to see my panties,or you'd ask robin,and I'd beat you up and that idiot chef with the big knife would help while NOT trying to kill me!"

She wiped the tears off her face and pointed at Luffy.

"Nothing's more important than your dream and your hat! You're going to be the Pirate King,dammit!"

She walked over to Zoro.

"Again, nothing is more fucking important than your goddamn dream! Actually,that's true for any of us!"

She shook her head,trying to clear her thoughts,tears still falling.

"Nothing's right! What's going on, someone fix this,please!"

Maria flipped her sparkly,beautiful, blah blah blah, over her shoulder.

"No one can help you now. They love me now, and you are NOTHING!"

The redhead looked confused for a moment before smirking.

"Oh no. There's someone who can help me. I won't like it but anything's better than this crap."

Nami grinned victoriously.

"I summon the author!"

Absolutely nothing happened.

Nami looked around,worried.

"Author? Erase? Ezzy-chan?"

She laughed nervously as she looked at Maria, who was standing there,being beautiful.

"She'll be here in a moment."

Maria scoffed.

"Just admit it,nothing can save you now."

Then something smacked her head from behind.

"What the hell,who touched me?!"

"Hey bitch, you shouldn't talk to her like that. Nobody mocks MY favorite character!"

The perfect girl turned around fury in her eyes. There was a girl with golden brown/dark blond/blond-brown/whatever-you-want-to-call-it hair and yellowish-green eyes. She grinned.

"Hello, Mary Sue."  
"That's not my name!"

"Who gives a flying pink elephant shit?"

"What?"

"Snorkel marbles kitty cat."

"What?!"

"You weren't supposed to understand. Move your ass outta mah way, whale-tits."

She walked over to Nami.

"Hey sexy, you rang?"

"Forget your insane depraved bisexual antics and help me!"

"With what,hun?"

"You know, that girl!"

Erase looked over her shoulder.

"Right, Whale-tits the Mary Sue."

"What can you do?"

"Wait,wait,wait,love! What do I get in return?"

"I'll think of that later,please,just help me,I'm begging you!"

"Yeeah, I don't know."

"Please? I thought you loved me!"

She approached Erase, puppy dog eyes on.

"Aw,what the hell, I'll do it."

She turned towards the Mary Sue.

"Listen to me,darling. I'm the closest to a god this story has. I suggest you turn your pretty ass around and go back to under that rock you crawled from. Before I kick your motherfuckin' ass,got it?"

Maria raised an eyebrow.

"You'll kick my ass,please! Guys,after her."

The hypnotized Straw Hats moved towards her,scowling.

"Oh shit. Run,babe." said the teenager as she ran away. Nami followed her.

"Erase,what the hell!"

"I can't fight against the crew!"

"Why?!"

"They're cannon characters! If I, the actor avatar, was stronger than the main cannon characters, I'd be a Mary Sue too,and then you'd be absolutely screwed, babe!"

They hid behind Nami's trees.

"What's your plan?"  
"What plan!?"  
"Erase, you have to plan something! Come on,you're the writer,the author! Come up with a Deus Ex Machina if you must!"

"Err,okay. Right,we're facing a particular bad type of Mary Sue: The Black Hole Sue."  
Nami nodded.

"Okay,how do you defeat it?"  
"That's the real problem. A BHSue can bend the rules of the universe,like an author avatar."  
"So,you're evenly matched?"  
"Not quite. Sue's got the crew in the palm on her hand. She has a pretty good defense right there. I have to bend the rules just write,so I don't fuck up the universe too bad. This ain't made outta plasticine,y'know?"

Nami nodded.

"And then everything will be alright?"  
"I swear by my dead mother,babe."  
"Oh my god,you're an orphan?!"  
"No,I just like saying that. Let's go?"  
"...I'd kick your ass if my life wasn't depending on you."  
"I'll take that as a yes."

They walked over to the deck,where the Sue and the rest of the crew were.

"Hey,Mary!"  
"I've told you,that is not my name!"  
"Might as well be. I wanna fight!"

She waved her hand.

"Guys."

The crew began to approach her again.

"Haki!"

They were instantly repealed and knocked out.

"What,how?!" yelled the Sue.

"Haki is a perfectly normal feature. Since I am a character in this world,at the moment, I can use it. And it's perfectly coherent,since all the girls at Amazon Lily were shown using,therefore,it's not exactly a special ability."  
She crossed her arms and grinned.

"I didn't even need to bend the rules."  
"Why you little...Never mind this I will defeat you myself!"

She stood up from the throne that had mysteriously appeared in the deck of the Sunny.

"Hiken!"

"Nope,no you don't! Logic call! Ace had daddy issues,so he wouldn't father a child like that. He wouldn't risk letting the blood of Gol D. Rogers run through another poor child's veins! What would the marines do to the kid! So yeah, the possibility of you being Ace's daughter is IMPOSSIBLE! Therefore, you cannot use the Mera Mera fruit's powers!"

"Wait a second! I could've just eaten it after Ace's death! It would still follow the rules,since no two same fruits exist at the same time!"  
"Way ahead of ya."

She pulled out a Devil's fruit from her pocket.

"The Mera Mera fruit."  
"What,but,but- Oh screw it. I still have 3 fruits left."  
"No,you don't. I call the rule of making stuff up as I go,an indispensable tool for any urge-following writer!"

"...What?"

"The reason why you can eat more than one devil fruit is because of the first devil fruit you ate,which gave you that ability. Unfortunately,for every devil fruit you eat,the power of the individual powers is reduced by one tenth. Therefore, excluding the multiple devil fruit enabler power,and the flying power you mentioned before, you only have one devil fruit, which only has 1/30 power of a regular devil fruit."  
"What,but that's not fair!"  
"My story,my rules,bitch."

Maria scowled.

"Fuck this, I'm a Black Hole!"  
She began floating in the air,dark aura surrounding her.

And then she fell to the ground.

"Help,I fell and I can't get up! … Wait,what?"  
Ezzy scoffed.

"General rule of fanfiction:The lampshade hanging. Once you point out a flaw in story,it stops being bad and starts being funny. By admitting you're a Black Hole Sue, you became a Parody Sue,therefore,you're useless now."

She calmly walked over to her.

"And you can fall under my author powers easily. Delete."  
The Sue vanished.

"You did it!" yelled Nami as she walked over to her. Wow, I almost forgot this was an One Piece fanfic.

"I love lampshade hangings. The crew should be coming to their senses about now."

"Thank you." said Nami,smiling softly at the writer.

"Eh,t'was nothing. How 'bout my reward?"

The redhead sighed.

"What do you want?"  
"Well...Nah,forget it. All the ideas I got would get my ass kicked. I'll just go home."

"Seriously? That's it?"  
She shrugged.

" A Mary Sue parody featuring an author avatar can slip by. An author avatarXcannon character fic,not so much. I'd lose the little good reputation I have and I need that to be cocky."  
She disappeared. Nami raised an eyebrow.

"Uh. I'd expect something more flashy. Oh,well."  
"Hey,what's going on? Eh,why's my hat on the ground!?!?!" yelled Luffy.

Zoro sneered.

"What the hell just happened?"  
"Nami-san,are you okay?" asked Sanji,approaching her.

"Yeah,Girlie, what's up?" questioned Franky, worry in his voice.

"It seems you didn't space out like us." said Robin, looking dead serious.

Speaking of dead, Usopp appeared from the boy's quarters.

"Wow, I think I blacked out or something! I can't remember anything!"

Brooke looked at the throne.

"I can't believe what my eyes see! Even though I don't have eyes! Yohoho,skull joke!"

Chopper shook his little fuzzy head.

"It seems we were temporarily under the influence of something. Do you know what happened,Nami?"  
The redhead just stood there,frozen. She leaped and glomped the person who was closest to her,which happened to be Sanji, who immediately got flustered.

"You can't believe how happy I am to see you guys act like the idiots you are. Well,except Robin,I appreciate your non-stupidity."  
The older woman laughed.

"Why,thank you. Now,you should let go of Sanji,before he has a panic attack."  
Everyone except Sanji, laughed and headed inside for breakfast, the sulking cook following them.

-

Somewhere in the internet

"You think you defeated me? Oh, you can't defeat me...I am not a Black Hole Sue anymore! I'll just find another way to destroy the world of fanfiction! I. AM. THE ULTIMATE SUE!

**Author's Note:**

> Crosspost from FF.net, originally posted on 03-13-10
> 
> (wow, 16-year old me was really flirty, where did that go)


End file.
